Why men bond through touch and women may not.
If unresolved conflict exists, women may feel unseen and unheard, experiencing emotional distress rather than relief. This creates a cycle where the man's need for touch conflicts with the woman’s need for emotional safety, leading to feelings of resentment, inadequacy, and confusion on both sides.
Men might seek physical touch as a means of soothing their emotional dysregulation, relying on the immediate feelings of comfort that it brings through dopamine and oxytocin release “ which I’ll explain more about later.
In contrast, women may require emotional safety and assurance first—needs that aren’t met simply through physical touch.
Understanding these dynamics can help both partners articulate their needs and find healthier ways to connect emotionally and physically. Communication, empathy, and mutual validation are essential to break this cycle.
Trauma bonds, low emotional intelligence and Codependency are rooted in our childhood trauma.
Trauma bonds often form and are maintained by unresolved wounds stemming from unmet needs in childhood. A partner with low emotional development may exhibit a heightened need for physical touch to achieve emotional regulation. Meanwhile, if their partner displays codependent behaviors, she may feel obligated to meet his needs, often sacrificing her own in the process.
Most women grew up too fast because they had no other choice to survive.
I know many of us were raised in environments that didn’t quite balance the light and shadows of our experiences. But I want to assure you that you are not defined by those beginnings.
You might find yourself attracting partners who struggle with the intensity of your emotions, who tend to avoid the conversations that can bring healing and elevation. It’s important to know that this isn’t your fault, and you’re definitely not alone in this journey.
The difference between how women and men bond.
The differences in how women and men bond through touch, especially in the context of unresolved conflict, can be understood through several psychological and sociocultural factors:
1. Communication Styles: Women often utilize communication to process emotions and relationships. When there is unresolved conflict, they may prefer discussing the issue rather than engaging in physical touch, which might feel insincere or dismissive while their feelings are still unresolved.
2. Fear of Misinterpretation: Women might worry that physical touch during conflict could be misinterpreted, leading either party to think that the conflict is resolved or that emotions are brushed aside. They may seek clarity first through dialogue. Withholding sex has been taught by many as a sign of a female narcissist. This is dangerously inaccurate. 1 in 4 women experienced some form of sexual abuse or harassment. Men must learn to intuit why she may be avoiding physical intimacy or ask her, providing his response won’t be expressed in a way that makes her feel unsafe.
3. Emotional Processing: Women are generally more attuned to their own emotions and the emotions of others. They might require emotional clarity before they feel comfortable engaging physically, which is often a more intimate way of bonding.
4. Cultural Conditioning: Societal norms often shape how men and women express emotions. Women might be socialized to address conflicts verbally and may view touch as an expression of intimacy reserved for more stable emotional contexts. Non-verbal communication can either ruin a relationship or heal the issues that arise. In the course “ Turn Pain into Purpose" I delve deeper into this. Click this link for access https://www.mobileapp.app/to/LxSoEyR?ref=2_cl
5. Men’s Approach to Conflict: On the other hand, men might engage in physical touch, such as a reassuring pat or hug, as a way of defusing tension. For many men, physical connection during conflict can be a method of reaffirming bonds without needing to vocalize emotions. Over 70% of communication is non-verbal. Sometimes it’s not what we say but what we aren’t saying that impacts our relationship dynamics.
6. Biological Factors: Research suggests that oxytocin, which promotes bonding, may function differently in men and women, affecting how they respond to touch in conflict situations. Keep reading to learn more about our hormones and how this can help heal trauma bonds.
By understanding these differences, we can appreciate why women might be less inclined to bond through touch during unresolved conflicts, seeking instead a resolution through communication before re-establishing physical intimacy.
Signs of a mother wound in men and women
Here are five common signs of a mother wound in men that can indicate a lack of secure attachment:
1. Low Self-Esteem: Struggling with feelings of unworthiness or inadequacy, often seeking validation externally to compensate for feelings of not being good enough.
2. Fear of Intimacy: Difficulty in forming deep emotional relationships or avoiding vulnerability, stemming from a fear of rejection or abandonment.
3. People-Pleasing: A tendency to prioritize others’ needs over one’s own and an excessive desire to gain approval, which can lead to neglecting personal desires or boundaries.
4. Emotional Dysregulation: Challenges in managing emotions, leading to intense reactions, anxiety, or mood swings when faced with stress or interpersonal conflict.
5. Perfectionism: An overwhelming desire to be perfect or to achieve high standards, often driven by the belief that validation from others is contingent on performance or success. Burnout is common among people who struggle with perfectionism.
Recognizing these signs can be the first step towards healing and developing healthier attachment styles.
It’s not you, it’s your hormones
Here’s a breakdown of the relevant hormones and their roles in emotional responses, especially in the context of physical touch and attachment for both men and women:
1. Oxytocin
Definition: Often referred to as the "love hormone," oxytocin is a peptide hormone produced in the hypothalamus and released during bonding activities like hugging, cuddling, and breastfeeding. Mothers who weren’t able to give this love led to adults who crave this and may become energy dependent on others to fulfill the role that mothers did not fulfill.
- Role in Women
Oxytocin promotes bonding and attachment, especially during childbirth and nursing. It enhances feelings of trust and emotional safety, making women feel more secure in relationships.
- Role in Men
While men also produce oxytocin, it may not have the same intense bonding effect as it does in women. However, it still contributes to feelings of connectedness and attachment.
2. Vasopressin
- Definition: Vasopressin, also known as arginine vasopressin (AVP), is a hormone that regulates water retention in the kidneys and is also associated with social behavior, including attachment and bonding.
- Role in Women: Women generally have lower levels of vasopressin; its role in emotional bonding is less pronounced. However, it can affect their social behavior and love attachment styles.
- Role in Men: In men, vasopressin plays a crucial role in promoting protective behaviors and territoriality, leading to strong pair bonding and loyalty in relationships. The key to a man being invested in a woman are rooted in bonding activities. Conflict resolution is actually meant to be a bonding activity. Each time we seek resolution we feel bonded. In the course I teach how to do this in a fun way even if there are unresolved issues in relationships.
3. Dopamine
- Definition: Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that plays a vital role in reward, pleasure, and motivation.
- Role in Women: Women may experience dopamine surges as a response to emotional bonding and loving interactions. This can lead to feelings of joy and connection during intimate moments. Unfortunately, doom scrolling on social media gives a hit of dopamine without true human connection.
- Role in Men: In men, dopamine is heavily linked to pleasure-seeking behavior and immediate gratification. It can drive the desire for physical touch as a form of stress relief or emotional regulation. This can be one reason women may feel used by men for comfort. This may also fall into the category of narcissistic supply of the relationship lacks healthy reciprocation.
4. Serotonin
- Definition: Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that stabilizes mood, feelings of well-being, and happiness.
- Role in Women: Women may have varying serotonin levels that impact their mood and emotional regulation. Healthy serotonin levels are crucial for feeling safe and secure in relationships. The cycles of womanhood can alter these levels such as perimenopause and menopause.
- Role in Men: For men, serotonin also affects mood and emotional regulation, contributing to overall stability in relationships. Low levels can lead to irritability and emotional volatility.
Emotional Dynamics
In relationships, these hormonal differences contribute to varying needs and responses. Men might seek physical touch as a means of soothing their emotional dysregulation, relying on the immediate feelings of comfort that it brings through dopamine and oxytocin release. In contrast, women may require emotional safety and assurance first—needs that aren’t met simply through physical touch.
If unresolved conflict exists, women may feel unseen and unheard, experiencing emotional distress rather than relief. This creates a cycle where the man's need for touch conflicts with the woman’s need for emotional safety, leading to feelings of resentment, inadequacy, and confusion on both sides.
Understanding these dynamics can help both partners articulate their needs and find healthier ways to connect emotionally and physically. Communication, empathy, and mutual validation are essential to break this cycle.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed—whether its health issues cropping up, daily responsibilities piling up, or being easily startled by the world around you—know that those feelings don’t have to dictate your reality. You deserve to be heard and to express your struggles without the fear of overwhelming those you love.
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- What's Your Love Attachment Style?:
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Cancel Trauma-Based Pacts: Learn the important steps to release trauma-based commitments stored within the subconscious mind.
Reclaiming Emotional Control: Techniques to take charge of your emotions and reactions while neutralizing triggers and arguments BEFORE they start.
Identify Energy Leaks in Relationships:
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21 Ways to Sustain Healthy Reciprocal Relationships: Actionable strategies for nurturing balanced connections versus giving more than you receive.
Non-Verbal Communication Can Make or
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It's not always what we say that keeps us stuck in trauma cycles.
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21 Signs of a Dysfunctional Family Dynamic: Insights into family interactions that hinder well-being and tips on stopping the toxic cycles.
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